The Room

I'm currently reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.
incredible book, pick up a copy sometime
Thank you Shelby Kaye for letting me borrow yours. :)
this is an excerpt from chapter 8, fantastic story
I beg you not to read it quickly...really take it in.


In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.  There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files.
They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order.  But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings.  As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read, "Girls I Have Liked."  I opened it and began flipping through the cards.  I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.  This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life.  Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents.  Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.  A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: "Book I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At."  Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers."  Others I couldn't laugh at" "Things I Have Done in Anger," "Things I Have Muttered under My Breath at My Parents."  I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.  Often there were many more cards than I expected.  Sometimes there were fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.  Could it be possible that I have the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards?  But each card confirmed this truth.  Each was written in my own handwriting.  Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents.  The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file.  I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body.  I pulled the file our only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card.  I shuddered at its detailed contents.  I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage.  One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards!  No one must ever see this room!  I have to destroy them!"  In an insane frenzy I yanked the file our.  Its size didn't matter now.  I had to empty it and burn the cards.  But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card.  I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.  Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long self-pitying sigh.  And then I saw it.  The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."  The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused.  I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands.  I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came.  I began to weep.  Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me.  I fell on my knees and cried.  I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all.  The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.  No one must ever, ever know of this room.  I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.  No, please, not Him.  Not here.  Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards.  I couldn't bear to watch His response.  And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.  He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.  Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room.  He looked at me with pity in His eyes.  But this was a pity that didn't anger me.  I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again.  He walked over and put His arm around me.  He could have said so many things.  But He didn't say a word.  He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.  Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted, rushing to Him.  All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him.  His name shouldn't be on these cards.  But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive.  The name of Jesus covered mine.  It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back.  He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards.  I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.  He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
I stood up, and He led me out of the room.  There was no lock on its door.  There were still cards to be written.


Jesus, thank You for taking the time to cry with me when I realize my mistakes.  Thank You for Your blood: rich and alive.  Thank You for Your hand to hold when I feel alone.  Jesus, thank You for Your love, unending and unconditional.  Thank You.  Thank You.

as I paint my nails..I realize..

i've done something
something terrible


i've placed God in a box.
My Father.
HUGE as He is, I have fit Him into this tiny little box.
tiny.
and it's not a pretty box either...one of those gross cardboard ones that bend easily and...well you see my predicament.


I have unknowingly placed God inside this box where I can contain Him.  I open it up when I need to ask for help...or when I need to feel good about myself.  I always carry this box around with me..just in case.
but for the most part, God stays inside this box..all the while I'm outside of it, controlling my life the way I want to...or do I?


At least once a year I have a mental breakdown/panic attack just about life in general.  If you could get inside my head you would see how much I worry about the mundane, tediousness called life.  You would be amazed at the conversations I have with myself while walking to class...
Did you know that worrying about something won't change the situation one bit?  You won't add any hours to your life.  You can worry all you want, but God has still made His decisions.  And that's exactly what they are..HIS decisions.  Not mine.  HIS.  If only I could get that through my thick skull..


Some people may think that doing things the way YOU want them, the way YOU see fit makes you a confident person..


with God inside the box I am everything but confident.
I am..
self-conscious
weary
anxious
stressed out
flighty
...off my rocker, so to speak


In other words, with God outside of the box, God beside me and before me, allowing me to follow in His large, Father-like footsteps, I AM confident.  But I'm not confident in my own might.  I am confident in HIS might.


My God is so BIG (too big for a tiny cardboard box)
so strong and so mighty (He can rip cardboard in half with one word)
THERE'S NOTHING MY GOD CANNOT DO.


So, in so many words, next time you see me I won't have the box with me.  Praise the Lord!

It's like CHRISTMAS in APRIL!

being an artist has always been one way i like to define myself.

and i love being an artist for these reasons.

hobby lobby is just fantastic.

more drawing paper because you can never have too much.

wool for my next loom project (more than likely a scarf)

new watercolors. this warms my heart.

oil pastels. haven't used these in years but have been inspired to use them more. and they smell absolutely wonderful.

vine charcoal. soft. useful for large drawings. which is the only way i draw.

tape. always useful.

and blenders. because sometimes my fingers are too big to blend the more detailed areas.

this might be a super lame post, especially seeing as how i haven't in a while..but i was too excited not to share.

Happy Easter!!!

some things are just worth fighting for

i'm sitting in my living room
enjoying spring break and not having a bed time, obviously
and that phrase pops into my head


i don't know why, i'm not sure i even know where to begin to find out where that came from..
i believe God put it there, because i have been in an apathetic state for longer than i can really say.
and i don't like it.


radical abandonment. (i'll get back to this..)


my sweet Father has put some decisions before me that have been life-changing
He has opened my eyes to what is really important and i've been trying really hard to pinpoint His voice out of the other kajillion voices running an inexhaustible marathon inside my brain.

"We've been settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves."

my current read, and where the quote comes from, is Radical, by David Platt
that basically hit me in the face..i read on and will finish with something to think about..


RADICAL ABANDONMENT.

"Jesus was calling his disciples to abandon their comforts, all that was familiar to them and natural for them..Ultimately Jesus was calling them to abandon themselves.  They were leaving certainty for uncertainty, safety for danger, self-preservation for self-denunciation.  In a world that prizes promoting oneself, they were following a teacher who told them to crucify themselves.  And history tells us the result.  Almost all of them would lose their lives because they responded to his invitation."

this realization makes me see that what I so often strive for is..well, futile next to the big picture..so tell me, are you ready to respond to this invitation that just might make you give up your dreams for His?




verse references: 

• luke 9:62
• luke 14:25 and on..(really the whole chapter)

i've got an unending debt to love you

Progreso, Mexico 12/27/2010


leaving Progreso, a quaint little industrial town on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico, on a bus back to the ship, a cute little Mexican man on the sidewalk holding a pole full of cotton candy, trying to sell it, make a little money from all the tourists.
I waved and he kissed his hand and waved back as if to say, "God bless you", or "thank you from the bottom, top, and whole of my heart", the look in his eyes absolutely made my heart melt
it might have been insignificant to anyone else, but it was one of the sweetest, most special moments of my life, and I realized in this moment that these people need love, my Father's love, this man is a person, just like me. the only difference is that he happens to live in an unfortunate part of the country, dirty and poor, in need of my Savior, and I need to share Him and His love.
we weren't even planning on getting off of the ship, but I had this almost urgent feeling to go, if nothing else just to see the town and take in another country not my own, unfamiliar territory, out of my comfort zone, and I saw beauty and creativity in everything around me
it was here that God gave me His eyes
sometimes I forget that others around me are just like me, vulnerable yet loving, guarded yet open to grace if someone will show them, and I was burdened..
burdened for, well God's people, all of them, and what am I doing?
I'm getting caught up in ..life, grades, jobs, you name it
not that these are bad things but I'm losing my focus


Father, give me Your eyes for everyone I meet.  help me share you with them.  I love you.  thank you to the moon and back a bazillion times for your grace.  thank you.


Live your lives in such a way that God would consider worthy. 1 Thessalonians 2:12

beautiful beach

yes, that is a dead blowfish behind me

lovely colors around every corner

i am my own worst critic

i think the title speaks for itself.


i am an artist.
i am human.
the pieces i create may be good in others' eyes, but to my own I see the things that need to be fixed, the parts that aren't quite what I want them to be.
i take a painting and criticize it until there isn't anything left to criticize.


i was thinking about this earlier and realized the fantastic parallel that could be used here.
i do this exact thing to myself.
as a child of the King i am my own worst critic. i see the things that need to be fixed, the imperfections, my imperfections. but then i think how wonderful is the Artist that takes me as i am. my mistakes are just stains and smudges on the art piece that is my life. but that is what makes it beautiful.
it is also that which makes my God's grace that much sweeter, that much more sufficient for me.


Psalm 73
¹ Truly God is good to Israel,
      to those whose hearts are pure.
 ² But as for me, I almost lost my footing.
      My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.
 ³ For I envied the proud
      when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness.
 ⁴ They seem to live such painless lives;
      their bodies are so healthy and strong.
 ⁵ They don’t have troubles like other people;
      they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else.
 ⁶ They wear pride like a jeweled necklace
      and clothe themselves with cruelty.
 ⁷ These fat cats have everything
      their hearts could ever wish for!
 ⁸ They scoff and speak only evil;
      in their pride they seek to crush others.
 ⁹ They boast against the very heavens,
      and their words strut throughout the earth.
 ¹⁰ And so the people are dismayed and confused,
      drinking in all their words.
 ¹¹ “What does God know?” they ask.
      “Does the Most High even know what’s happening?”
 ¹² Look at these wicked people—
      enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply.
 ¹³ Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?
      Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
 ¹⁴ I get nothing but trouble all day long;
      every morning brings me pain.
 ¹⁵ If I had really spoken this way to others,
      I would have been a traitor to your people.
 ¹⁶ So I tried to understand why the wicked prosper.
      But what a difficult task it is!
 ¹⁷ Then I went into your sanctuary, O God,
      and I finally understood the destiny of the wicked.
 ¹⁸ Truly, you put them on a slippery path
      and send them sliding over the cliff to destruction.
 ¹⁹ In an instant they are destroyed,
      completely swept away by terrors.
 ²⁰ When you arise, O Lord,
      you will laugh at their silly ideas
      as a person laughs at dreams in the morning.
 ²¹ Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
      and I was all torn up inside.
 ²² I was so foolish and ignorant—
      I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
 ²³ Yet I still belong to you;
      you hold my right hand.
 ²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
      leading me to a glorious destiny.
 ²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
      I desire you more than anything on earth.
 ²⁶ My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
      but God remains the strength of my heart;
      he is mine forever.
 ²⁷ Those who desert him will perish,
      for you destroy those who abandon you.
 ²⁸ But as for me, how good it is to be near God!
      I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,
      and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.

Father, I love You.

Me, Myself, and I

Last time I had a blog was for my freshman English course, and its only purpose was to post our papers on it for our professor to grade.

So, this experience should be a fun one.

I thoroughly enjoy writing down random thoughts and sweet nothings I find from books and whatnot in the various journals and sketchbooks I own.  This is just another outlet for which to write these things and share with my world.

Today I will leave you with this.

"You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." -1 Peter 3:4

Be beautiful inside.